October 10, 2005
WHAT WON’T HAPPEN
THIS WEEK
Monday:
Sir Alex Ferguson reacted quickly to the announcement
by Roy Keane that his future was not at Old Trafford.
In a desperate search for Keane’s successor, Ferguson
approached Swiss scientific giants ‘Cuckoo und
Clocken’ in a bid to have Keane cloned. All was
going well until Keane’s X-chromosomes waded in
and started giving the Y’s a bit of a kicking.
According to Ferguson all is not lost, “They are
just high-spirited youngsters, if you take that away
from them you’d be left with a bit of a softie
like Patrick Vierra. I’ll be having a word with
them in private.”
Tuesday:
In an unusual show of player power, David Beckham the
newly appointed President of Real Madrid insisted that
he didn't pick any of the teams that he played for.
However, he was delighted to announce the signing of
two new players, Brooklyn Beckham and Romeo Beckham.
"If they are good enough, they’ll play,”
said El Presidente before adding that new team manager,
Victoria Beckham, would be free to sign another player
of Spanish origin if she saw the need to. Cruz Beckham's
agent, David Beckham, wouldn't confirm that his client
had been offered a contract that would see him through
to his eighth birthday.
Wednesday:
In a major news story in Italy, it has emerged that
all of Sunday's Serie A results are to be cancelled
and the games to be replaced by the youth teams of each
club. The Italian FA released a short statement regarding
the matter. “We are cancelling the scores from
the games after we discovered some major irregularities
in the drug tests that we carried out after this latest
round of matches. We tested 84 players for EPO, and
discovered that an incredible 11 tested negative for
the performance enhancer. This simply goes against the
spirit of the game in our country.”
Thursday:
Boring day, nothing happened really, well, except that
Roy Keane was in court accused of “failing to
control his chromosomes in a public place.”
Friday:
In a surprisingly candid interview with Sky Sports News,
Chelsea manger Jose Mourinho announced that he wasn’t
in fact God, he wasn’t even Jesus. However, Mourinho
did own up to being Moses or Moses Mourinho. He revealed
that he attributed a lot of his success down to the
fact that he could using telepathy control the opposition
defenses. You guessed it, he believed he could make
them part like the Red Sea.
Mick Priest, UK Correspondent, 90:00™
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